The valley

This week has proven to be especially difficult in terms of cravings and general malaise about the food that I'm eating day in and day out. With Halloween approaching and the inundation of candy at my coworkers desks I'm feeling the pull to just give in and eat some. So yesterday I ate candy pumpkins. Not just a one time handful but multiple visits back to the candy jar. I felt the headache, the tingling itchies in my feet and a general feeling of being pissed off. The consequence didn't necessarily outweigh the reward so I continued on to indulging in hibachi last night. I made sure not to eat the ginger dressing on my salad and asked to have the soy sauce left off of all of the food. I did end up allowing for some butter and ate vegetables that had touched mushrooms..

I got a few itchies and my stomach was a little pissed but as a whole I didn't get any major reactions at least until this morning. I woke up with swollen lips and soreness all over. It was liberating to make the conscious decision to eat things that I knew I should stay away from, but the guilt today has taken away the good feeling associated with eating what I wanted to eat.

Even with the positive aspects of changing my diet I still, nonetheless, feel depressed about the fact that these changes are necessary and are needed. My wants can no longer lead the way in deciding what I will eat and that sucks in ways I'm discovering each day.

For years I've been eating and drinking things that I wanted to eat and as a result my body suffered. The idea of feeding my needs versus my wants is so uncomfortable and so foreign to me. It's hard to explain how painful this experience has been or how depressing it is to have a life that is being built around what I can or cannot consume. There are meals that just don't seem to fill me up - I'm not hungry for more food but am craving something more. I don't know if this feeling will pass, I don't know if the cravings will someday end. I wish I felt more confident about this process because right now I feel like I just want to curl up and never have to eat again.

I'm looking forward to the peaks because this valley is hitting me pretty hard.