In an effort to eat things that represent how I want to feel or that reinforce how I'm feeling I felt like ingesting something sunny might help brighten my mood. While this recipe alone made me appreciative of the growing options for food I can eat, I was still kind of stuck reminiscing about how last few weeks kicked my ass. The ass kicking wasn't a gentle nudge with the tip of a shoe or playful punch to the shoulder it felt like an all out war against my spirit. It was a beat down for sure. I am well aware that many say struggle is good and without some discomfort there is no real reason to change or be proactive about life. And I believe that, wholeheartedly. I just felt like I couldn't do much of anything right. I felt like I was fumbling my life. It all felt like a painful and bad joke - I felt like Samantha James (Anna Farris) in Just Friends when her plane catches on fire and, keeping with her idiot character, starts yelling out Ashton Kutcher's name thinking that she's been punked. That's how I've felt from sunup to sundown. After working so hard to stop focusing and obsessing over the bullshit things that happen, I'm right back in that nasty place where I say fuck way more than I should, and I get to the rage stage far too often and far too easily. After all is said and done I feel chewed up and thrown out. Thouh, any anger that arises is usually quickly followed by tears and sadness. Which is followed then by being pissed about getting caught up in that shitty part of ego and Tolles' calls the pain body. I'm getting stuck in a place that is depressing and annoying.
The whole thing is cyclical. Some days I'd get a win, start to feel like my head's back above water and then I find myself stepping in some giant pile of shit that at times was placed on purpose or another person puts some shit down and I get in trouble for putting it there, I challenge that accusation with irrefutable evidence, and then I'm taken off the hook but never apologized to for being accused and put in the hot seat unnecessarily in the first place. I hate feeling sorry for myself and I try to make every bad situation into a learning lesson or put some positive, polly-fucking-anna spin on it. For the most part this usually works and I can laugh my way back into a happy place. Buuuut, I just couldn't get enough inertia to get my spin to pull the situation around. My mom's simple advice tonight was to get past the negative and focus on the positive. I figure after she spent so many hours in labor with me I at least owe the woman the respect of giving her motherly advice the old college try.
On that positive side I was thrilled to know that the smoothie was fantastic. I said my thanks for having a new option come my way and began working on drying out my ipod that got wet today when I went swimming. Another win for the weekend was yesterday when I went to see my allergist I found out that I'm 12 pounds lighter than when I last saw him a few months ago. After spending 12 hours in KC yesterday spending a large portion of that time grocery shopping I now have a full pantry, fridge and freezer. I'm also just 708 days - roughly- away from ridding my body of the allergic reactions to all of these foods. The days breakdown like this - it takes 6 months to remove all traces of a food from our bodies and then up to 2 or 3 years to get the body to stop the allergic reactions. I'm hoping those first few months are like time served so then technically I only have another year and a half until I can eat lasagna or a burger or a steak or a baked potato with sour cream. Jesus, the more I look at the stuff I'm cutting out of my diet the more I realize all of that food is probably not a good choice for optimum health, anyway.
Where will I be when I reach the end??
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